3. From when I learnt that my eyes walk further than my legs

Anything. Competitive or not, when I’m close to finish a sudden relaxation arises. I feel there’s no rush, that I am almost there. I sometimes slow down to my 25%, when I was doing my 100% at the beginning.

I’m not tired, but suddenly I feel exhausted. I’m not done, but suddenly I feel fulfilled.

When I see the finish line I suddenly convince myself that finishing isn’t the most important thing. I tell myself that it’s fine if I drop out here; I convince myself that there is no problem if I do it.

This doesn’t mean I drop out, I’ve learnt to know myself and I am ready for this 'downing' thought. But, even though I acknowledged it, it still is hard to battle. It requires an extra of will power that sometimes you’re not down to give.

When I was younger I asked my dad about this feeling. I used the running example: when you start you’re super excited, but when you’re half-way through your body starts weakening although you know you still have a couple km’s to finish. His answered focused on will-power and how hard is to keep the excitement throughout the way.

The running example wasn’t more than an introduction to what, to a certain extent, would become a pretty annoying problem of my personality. This mixture of ambition and laziness that climbs to my shoulder when I’m making a decision. Take the harder road, but don’t worry if you can’t finish it.

Now that I’m writing my 20 stories I can see this hasn’t left yet. My starting idea was 90. Three months before turning 20 I wanted to write one story a day about a fact of my personality. Now that the time to publish them has come I can barely say I wrote 20.

Throughout the process I went through high excitement and writing every day to weeks out without any ideas. Self-analysing and criticising myself sometimes isn’t as exciting as it looks. Exposing weaknesses aiming for an improvement, or at least to a self-acceptance of my problems after finishing my adolescence; process where I went from the last thing in the universe to a God-like image filled with the insecurities of high-egos.

This pseudo-duality – pseudo because includes all the opinions in between these polarisations – is typical in this period of years when we move along knowing nothing to believing we know everything. When I realised it I thought it would be interesting to analyse it. See what has changed and what continues with me now that I jumped this imaginary border of my teenage years.

And here is the end. The publishing moment. I don’t think I’ve gotten the deepest I could get, but it works as a first intent. It’s a project that I don’t know how I feel about yet. I’m self-conscious about exposing my guts to whoever reads it, but proud I can do it with no repercussion on my personality or security. I actually believe it will be helpful in a way I haven’t understood yet.

The best is yet to come, said someone once who inspired my project. I'll beat my will-power, my embarrassment and my inner-walls throughout the weeks. 

I'll learn and humanise myself. 

It's always time to experience something new.