4. From when I learnt I wasn't as humble as I thought.

This text is a self-analysis proposal to myself. The whole project is, actually. This one, though, is taking me longer to accept it. I don’t want, by some reason, accept I’m not as correct as I thought I was. I feel downed and reflective when I see the image of myself modified in a way I find painful; in a way that shows I am less of a different human being and more of a standard, system-shaped person.

Accepting our mistakes and limits is a key move to achieve a respectable level of maturity. The fact that it’s something unavoidable doesn’t mean it won’t be painful. The fact that we have to go through it doesn’t mean that when it happens we’ll be ready for it.

This years-lasting process also takes you through the path of accepting the things you’re good at. You can always look up or down, but there are definitely some things I am better at than the rest and things I’m worse at than the rest. Accepting that even to the things we believe we are the best at will be lots of people who do it better is also pretty helpful.

I considered that because of accepting this and other experiences in my life I could consider myself an averagely humble person. This image weakened in the last days when we were discussing fake and true humility with my two travel mates.

Conclusions such as: leaders can’t be humble, “I’m not humble because I don’t truly celebrate when somebody does it better than me”, your determination is not a characteristic of a humble person, etc. All these ideas arose and I couldn’t skip the conversation that easily because there were many personality features that do not combine with humility that I consider parts of myself.

Can’t leadership and determination be together with humility? Am I less humble because I take the weight of decisions faster than others? Am I less humble because I expose my ideas with more determination than other people and I ‘force’ them to remain silent? I couldn’t find the connexion by then, but I think I did now.

This two personality features often go together, but not everybody has them. There is people who, when facing this kind of features, feel attacked and do not deal well with them. This leads to their silence and, therefore, their ideas are not shared. This is a problem because their ideas can be as good or better than what I proposed, but is it really my fault?

Obviously, there are ways of expressing ideas. I believe that anytime I’m proposing something I say it in a way that everybody can show their ideas, but, of course, I’m ready to defend whatever I want. This doesn’t mean I won’t listen, it means I’m flexible to change and re-shape my thoughts, but only if it’s well explained and I agree with the reflexion you did.

Sounds – and it’s –  stubborn. I have lots of years ahead to prove it wrong, but I believe there is not guilt in defending my ideas as long as I’m not being disrespectful or I’m not forcing anyone to accept it. I believe that discussions are constructive and I appreciate determinant and passionate personalities.

What left me hanging was that, according to this, I’m not as humble as I thought. There is little I can do, I can’t work on my humility to make it better. I believe the only thing I can do is learn to be ‘in other people’s shoes’ and try to pay more attention to other people’s needs.

Maybe I don’t, maybe I remain the same and fuck it.

No, the good thing of being 20 is that I can still change every idea I have and develop in every way I want.

 I’ll see.